I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
