we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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