I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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