I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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