Soap is not a condiment
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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