Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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