mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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