I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
