I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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