I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
