Your tits are I can't wait for
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
