dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
