A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
