She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
