I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize