I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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