I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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