You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
