my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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