I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
