Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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