Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize