Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
