I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize