btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize