and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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