Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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