I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
