i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
