got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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