you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
