my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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