end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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