Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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