dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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