happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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