found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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