I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
