So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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