you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
