I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
