At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize