Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
