you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
