I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
