im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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