there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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