somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize