im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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