Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
