You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
