I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
