One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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