Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
