I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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