just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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