hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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