Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
