Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
